I fell in love with
the way you entered
a room like both
April and May —
coming in out of the cold
with the promise to
grow flowers in the
vacant places in my chest.
I’m messy beautiful
the kind of beautiful that you don’t see in yourself
but you know you have something worth fighting for.
I’m the scent of coconut left on your neck.
I’m cake before bed with no shirt on.
I’m a silly conversation after midnight.
I’m the cold against your body when I forget how to keep myself warm.
I’m that soft touch across your lips
and a quiet whisper after a long day,
come to bed let me love you.
come to bed let me love you.
I’m that odd artwork you find at the back of an old shop,
the one that needs a frame void of dust.
the artwork that is decent enough to hang on your walls,
the artwork you grow to admire.
I used to be sad for so many months
now I smile when I cry.
I smile when I cry.
some nights I take off my clothes
and slip under the sheets without setting my alarm clock.
some nights my bed reminds me that I’m small and vulnerable.
everywhere you look you see delicate wrists and soft curves.
everywhere you look you see ripped pages and ink stains.
I’m that messy beautiful that not everyone knows how to love,
the flower that wilts when you touch it.
I’m that messy beautiful that you want to love
but you’re just not sure how to.
I don’t listen to music in the car anymore.
I listen to poetry so loud that the speakers
bump bump bump at all of the saddest parts.
today I saw a taxi driver cry as he checked his mail
and I wanted to stop to tell him somedays
I can’t walk outside without crying either
and somedays I feel like all I am is a taxi driver,
escorting old loves to their true destiny.
the day you left I wiped my tears on a white washcloth
and my mother kept it in her hope chest so one day she can say,
“this. remember this. remember how far you’ve come.”
sometimes I write about how you broke my heart
but I really think I am writing about how I broke my own heart.
I’m not angry at you.
I remember the years, the days, the nights
that we danced by the water under the moonlight.
but I missed you when I was next to you
and I missed you when you were in the other room
and we tried so hard to make these plans hold firm.
I know you tried to keep a grip on reality
but some mornings the birds forget to sing
and the sun has to be reminded to rise and fall.
we set our clocks forward and back to make up for the days
the sun sleeps in or stays out past curfew
and darling our sun may have set
but I still feel the burn on my back.
I still feel the burn on my back.
I hope my moonlight catches your eye as you’re driving at night
and I hope your sun shines so bright on a new love.
I hope you found a way to keep your tires from always popping
and I hope you found a way to get better rest.
I hope the books on your shelf still excite you
and when you hear that song, I hope you think of me and smile.
but mostly, I hope you make yourself proud.
because you weren’t proud of yourself
as you tucked me in all those nights.
maybe because we ran into love full force.
and I’m afraid a love like ours is a one-shot kinda thing
but we fucked it up somewhere between casseroles
and planning a wedding that I forgot to invite myself to.
after all those years together
I can’t remember how your voice sounded saying my name.
somedays I wish I never met you,
just so I could meet you tomorrow.
I wish I didn’t grow old with you so young.
I wish I could have saved you for later.
I hope they ask about me & I hope you tell them you fucked up.
If you show me you don’t give a fuck, I’ll show you that I’m better at it